"Let's just say I'm glad I had two other children."
"His only use to me is his IT skills."
"Cooks a good gozleme, makes me feel loved and appreciated, but doesn't let me put my cold hands on him in the dead of winter, which is just not on."
"He's good value until he's not sleeping in his own bed on holiday. Then he gets all existential and goes for a long walk."
"He doesn't like dogs as much as I do."
"I like my other brother better."
"I like my other brother better."
"He's always offering me pineapple. Which would be nice, if I wasn't allergic to it."
"He's an absolute pest. I've banned him three times from this place."
"He always manages to get laksa on his shirt when we make the pilgrimage to Malay Chinese."
"Matthew is an excellent student but won't be getting his pen license any time soon."
"Matthew is an excellent student but his inability to use a pen is really holding him back."
"Matthew is an excellent student but seems to be overwhelmed by the introduction of girls into the school population."
"Always good for a double espresso. Which he then chooses to slowly sip for an hour."
"The bloke's insatiable. Someone stop him."
"Dear Valued Customer..."
"Dear 31-year-old, Australian software-developer-turned-middle-manager..."
"Dickhead!"
"My bruv by day, my bruv by night."